I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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