How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my shit smells like andre
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
