i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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