I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
