And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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