hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
