he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
