we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
