sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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