No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Randomize
