you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
