Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
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Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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