Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
