if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
