Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize