I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
