how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
