I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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