Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
