once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
