sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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