he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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