His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
