so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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