I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
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Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together