well I can't set my house on fire every night
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
