No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
