I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
