Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
