There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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