We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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