so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
