I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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