i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
