i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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