shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
