Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
