Why are handjobs necessary in class?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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