Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
