just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
