I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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