I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
