in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
