I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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