Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
