He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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