I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
pop tarts are not kleenex
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
