my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.