I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
