He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
