we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
