one two three fourrrrnication!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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