I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you didnt know i had herpes?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
