I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
